Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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