i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
