Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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