my phone needs a breathalizer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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