my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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