I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
