Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
