Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
