So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
