I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
