In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You took a bar mat shot.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
