apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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