I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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