you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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