Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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