so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
