How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
