dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
