Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
