I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
