he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
