11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
