Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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