When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
