I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize