cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
