he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
