I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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