Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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