I wish I could teleport
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
how drunk are you?
Several
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
