anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
