My cat gives me a boner
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
