All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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