you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Semen is not good for contacts.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
