i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize