Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
