I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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