I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
