Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
