a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
