and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
