I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
