puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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