he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
