i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
