I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
