Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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