at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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