She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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