Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I lost the right to judge tonight
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
