i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
