i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
