i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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