dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
