I will die if light touches me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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