Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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