There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
