I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
