Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
