Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
