i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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