Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
