Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if only i could text you this smell
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize