if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
