So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
