i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
