just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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