Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
