So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So many bounce houses so little time
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
