dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
