How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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