I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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